The decision had been made. The crew would have to get Robert back into the confines of Peace Church Cemetery. They couldn't take the chance of exorcising a spirit as malevolent as Billy Cook, just anywhere. An experienced team like, Redneck Voodoo, knew (had seen in a movie) that Billy would be, once again, trapped within the confines of the cemetery, if that is where he was released. But if he was exorcised on the outside, all bets were off. He could go anywhere and possess anyone he chose. At least inside Billy Cook's interment grounds, they would have a fighting chance.
*****
They drove in circles that night. Once again, Chuck's Jeep was packed with equipment and coolers. But this time, Robert sat in the back seat, flanked by Ryan and James. Andy had taken the floor behind them, beside the coolers, telling Robert that he would give him a break from being the Beer Bitch for one night. That tactic was employed to keep Robert from noticing where they were going. The team engaged Robert in constant conversation, keeping his mind from wandering, and Andy fed him beer after beer. They weren't sure at the start if Billy Cook was a drinking man, but the gambit proved successful. It took three beers, but Robert finally passed out and was snoring peacefully in the back seat. Nelson turned off of Peace Church Road and into the graveyard without fanfare. The doors opened and the men exited the vehicle, their hearts pumping with foreboding and trepidation. Robert groaned as he slumped sideways into the back seat, no longer having Ryan or James to prop him up.
"We'd better hurry this up," Ryan said, grabbing a box out from the floorboard of the front seat. "We don't know how long he's gonna be out." The men peered down at he box. It was made of wood and, as instructed, Andy had written on the top. 'SPHINCTER EXTRACTION KIT' was what it said.
"What the hell?" Chuck exclaimed. "What's this supposed to mean?"
"I wrote on it what you said to write." Andy said, defensively.
"SPECTER," James said. "Not, SPHINCTER."
"I distinctly heard you say, Sphincter," Andy said, angrily. "This is bullshit."
"Nevermind," Nelson interjected. "It doesn't matter what it says on the box."
"It better not matter," Chuck said, putting his face directly in front of Andy's. "I'm not going to be involved in any, SPHINCTER EXTRACTION, tonight. That would be stupid and very UNSCIENTIFIC!"
The men continued to argue, taking no notice that Robert had climbed out of the vehicle and was standing behind them, smiling. But it wasn't Robert's smile. This one belonged to Billy Cook. The man known as Robert (or Beer Bitch) and the spirit of Billy Cook had melded together into a grotesque amalgam. The body was distinctly Robert's, but he wore the clothing (ill-fitting of, course) that they had seen Billy Cook's spirit wearing on the night of the possession.
"What are you boys up to?" the Robert/Billy Cook thing said.
The five members of Redneck Voodoo and Gabe (who is now here, but I don't know how because I forgot to write him in earlier, so just roll with it.) all jumped and spun around in mid-air, each emitting a girlish shriek.
"Jebus," Nelson said. "Where did you come from?"
"Jebus," Andy repeated, laughing. "I love 'The Simpsons'" They all nodded in agreement, including the Robert/Billy Cook thing.
"You know what's going on, Billy Cook," Ryan said. "We're here to undo your latest dastardly deed." He opened the box labeled, SPHINCTER EXTRACTION KIT, and removed a sheet of paper. On it were exorcism instructions he had downloaded from the internet. "Grab your tools, boys," he said. "It's time to go to work."
Nelson, Chuck and James each removed a crucifix, and held them into the air as they surrounded the Robert/Billy Cook thing. Gabe grabbed the video camera and ran to the Jeep.
"I think it's best if I film from inside the car," he said, starting the engine. "I'll keep the motor running in case we have to make a quick getaway."
"Maybe we should all get in the car," Andy said. "I think Gabe has a good idea."
"Just get your gear out of the box and get to work," James said, sternly. "This requires a hands-on approach."
Andy looked into the box and removed the last remaining item. It was a rubber chicken. "What the hell am I supposed to do with this? A RUBBER CHICKEN?"
"Haven't you ever read the part in the bible where Jesus cast the demons into the swine?" Chuck said, his eyes never leaving the Robert/Billy Cook thing. "Same principle."
"Yeah, but this is a freaking, RUBBER CHICKEN." Andy shrieked.
"We didn't have room for a swine in the box," James exclaimed. "This is perfect. Just go with it."
They continued to circle the Robert/Billy Cook thing, moving closer with each round. Their adversary moved defensively, hissing and growling at each one. Finally he stopped and spat on the ground. "LET'S GET IT ON," he screamed, and threw his head back, raising his arms toward the sky.
"God," Andy said, disgusted. "Again with the spitting."
"Get him," Chuck said, calmly, and the team pounced on their quarry. The struggle was fierce and protracted, but eventually they were able to wrestle the Robert/Billy Cook thing to the ground.
"You're on my foot," Nelson screamed at Chuck. "Get off, you know I have the Gout."
"Sorry," Chuck said, maneuvering to free Nelson.
"Are we all comfy now?" Ryan asked, a little annoyed. Ryan and James each held down one of the possessed man's arms while Nelson and Chuck held down the feet. Gabe sat in the car, filming through the window, which was open just far enough to poke the camera through. The Robert/Billy Cook thing snapped at each of the men (except for Gabe, who was in the car), trying desperately to sink his teeth into their exposed flesh. "Get his head, Andy," Ryan barked.
Andy sat down on the possessed man's forehead and began beating him on the stomach with the rubber chicken. Ryan put his knee on the Robert/Billy Cook thing's arm and held the sacred internet instructions up in front of his face, illuminating them with his flashlight.
"Repeat after me," Ryan said. "
Ryan: By the power invested in me...
Redneck Voodoo: By the power in vested in me...
Ryan: I now command you, unclean spirit...
Redneck Voodoo: I now command you, unclean spirit...
"Wait a minute," James interrupted. "Shouldn't we be saying like, WE command you...instead of, 'I' command you...? I think that would be better.
"Do you think it makes a difference?" Chuck asked. "I think the spirit gets the point."
"WHO CARES?" Andy screamed. "HE'S TRYING TO BITE ME RIGHT ON THE...YOU-KNOW-WHAT."
"Well, I think it probably matters," Ryan said calmly. "We ought to do this right or we shouldn't be doing it at all."
"ARGHHHHHH," Andy screamed, in pain. The Robert/Billy Cook thing had hit its mark. "GET THEE INTO THE CHICKEN, BILLY COOK, Andy yelled, desperately. "GET THEE INTO THE CHICKEN, RIGHT FREAKING NOW!"
At that moment, Robert's body went limp and the rubber chicken came to insidious life, pecking at Andy's eyes with its rubber beak. Andy punched the chicken in the face and rolled over on top of it, trying to subdue it. But the Rubber Chicken/Billy Cook thing fought back ferociously (considering it was a rubber chicken). The battle went back forth until it looked as if the Rubber Chicken/Billy Cook thing might be gaining the upper hand. It was then that James shouted, "Andy, use your secret weapon."
Andy understood instantly. He grabbed the rubber chicken around the neck, stared into its eyes and screamed, "YAGA, YAGA, GAGA!" He could see fear in the Rubber Chicken/Billy Cook thing's face and it seemed weaker, but Andy held tight. Defensive, talking in tongues was one of Andy's specialties and it was working now. He rolled on the ground, speaking in tongues and choking the chicken with all his might. Feeling stronger, he stood on his feet, the others shouting encouragement, but keeping their distance. The battle raged for a few more minutes until Andy pinned the Rubber Chicken/Billy Cook thing against the Jeep. Inside, Gabe quickly locked all the doors and rolled up the window.
"Get the box," Andy shouted. Chuck rushed to Andy and put the, SPHINCTER EXTRACTION KIT, on the ground by his feet. He flipped the lid open and Andy threw the Rubber Chicken/Billy Cook thing in and slammed the lid.
He leaned heavily against the car as the rest of the team joined him. Ryan and James helped Robert, an arm around each of their shoulders. Robert put his hand on Andy's shoulder and smiled. "You're my hero, man," he said. "I'll be glad to be your Beer Bitch anytime." They all laughed and Gabe rolled down the window a few inches.
"So what are we going to do with him now?" James asked.
"I don't think we can take a chance by leaving him here," Nelson answered. "We're going to have to take him with us. We've gotta put him somewhere we can keep an eye on him."
"How about, The Secret Headquarters?" Ryan asked.
"My house?" James said, his eyes widening. "Toni will freak out. But I guess it will be OK. I don't think she'll be afraid of a rubber chicken."
"I HEARD THAT!" said a muffled voice from inside the, SPHINCTER EXTRACTION KIT.
"Looks like we got ourselves an asshole after all," Chuck said, and they all laughed.
"Screw You," said the muffled voice. "This isn't over yet."
"Voodoo Baby!" Andy said, proudly.
"Voodoo Baby!" the others answered.
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